Thursday, January 17, 2013

Waiting on Go

I had a miscarriage....

I know that's a heck of a way to start a post, but I have, no that's not the reason have haven't posted in two months....well the not fully the reason. I haven't posted in two months cause it was nonstop go craziness from Thanksgiving till into the new year, I have just recently been able to find my house again....and cause I was putting off writing about this. 

So let’s back up....Last June Caleb and I found out we were expecting baby #2. We were soo very excited. I was a little shocked cause it happened this time without having to use clomid like I did when trying to get pregnant with Chester. I thought, "This is what it's like to be like me sister, who I think could get pregnant just by her husband looking at her...lol." But seriously I was so very excited cause it made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me and Chester was going to have a sibling to play with....and they would only be 17 months apart, kinda like I was with my sibling. Things were perfect! The pregnancy started just like the last one, I was grumpy and tired...at least this time I was more prepared for it. 

 I had told my friends and family, they had put it in the bulitin at church, no big deal I figure since the last pregnancy went so wonderfully. 

Then one day in the middle of July I woke up and noticed some bleeding...

I call my Doc and they are trying to be positive for me, and think it's nothing to worry about but I should come on in just to make sure. I was 7 weeks along....I know there will be some people out there that think that's not very far along so it shouldn't be a big deal, but to any momma who wants a baby it's a huge deal. 

I couldn't go that very day, but the next day I took our truck up to get the tires rotated...yeah, I know, but it needed done, and the appointment was already made, so might as well, one less trip for me. So head up and sit for about an hour and half while the guy works on the tires...I sit and think, realizing that I know what they are going to tell me, cause the bleeding has just gotten worse as the hours went by. I remember it was raining that day cause there were puddles in the parking lot, It seems right that it was raining. 

After the got my truck taken care of I head to the hospital for the ultrasound...

...No heartbeat. The Ultrasound Tech was trying as hard as she could to find a heartbeat, but all she found is what was left of the fetus. She didn't confirm it, but said I needed to go see the Doc to get the confirmation. My doc confirms it and tells me what to expect over the next few days.  Through all of that I never cried, I just took it all in, but my 30 minute drive home I bawled the whole way. 

Caleb wasn't with me, but I called him as soon as I left the Doctors office.  I glad he wasn't with me it gave me time to deal with it my way I did a lot of talkin' with God on the trip home.  

I was supposed to be making a trip to hang out with some college girlfriends over the weekend, and then we were supposed to leave and go to Colorado to visit Caleb's sister, but neither of those happened, I just wasn't up for it. 

The next day however I did make the trip with Caleb and his Dad over to annual Farm show....odd I know, but I didn't want to think about what had just happened, and no better place than hanging out with my husband and his dad looking at farm equipment.
 
Since then we have been trying again, but my body is back to acting like it used to, so back on drugs I go and hopefully we will get another little one. 

It's been six months since this happened, so why share about it now? Well, God has been laying it on my heart to share this since it happen and I have been putting it off. I didn't want to share this cause writing about it just makes me relive it again and there is still some sadness there. But even though there is sadness, there is also some joy knowing that my little one is up there in heaven and that I will get to meet them one day! 

When you think of it that way, it makes losing the baby not so hard; the hard part comes when I have to take a hard look at myself and how I just wanted things to be my way. I didn't want this path that God had for me to take, I wanted my "Perfect" little world, where things happen just the way that I want them to and where I am fully in control, but that's not how it works. I am far from being in control and the sooner I realize that better off I will be. 

My selfish desire wanted a baby here with me, and somehow I thought it would be much better off, with me....seriously, better off here on an Earth full of suffering and tears than in heaven walking with Jesus. 

I know this was kinda a sad story to start back with, but I felt the need to share this and encourage any of you that might have gone through similar situations. 

For now we will continue, with our little miracle family, to Wait on Go for the addition of more little ones.

Lots of Love from here on the Farm,

JP

9 comments:

  1. {{big huge hugs}} Nothing prepares you for loss through miscarriage. I've been there. Your post was a beautiful reminder of what we should ALL be ready to do, with any of life's circumstances. Wait on Him...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow....prayers and hugs for you sweet friend! I have never been in your shoes, but I am amazed at your grace. What an example for others! Thank YOU for sharing your heart and soul...being completely honest about how you want things Your way...as we ALL do. It has certainly made me think about where my heart truly is...for me? or for God and his best?
    Prayers that another sweet sweet baby is on the way for you and your wonderful family!!!
    Take care ;)
    Leslie

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry to hear this! :( My mom had a lot of problems while she was pregnant, which is why I'm an only child. I've always been a little worried about me having the same problem. I didn't with Reed, but you never know the next time. Which won't be for a year or two, hopefully, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  4. So sorry. Hugs and prayers sent your way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for writing this post. Hugs from Central Kansas!

    ReplyDelete
  6. So sad to hear this. True, what an example for others. I've never been in this situation, but I can imagine the heartache it would bring. Prayers and hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Janet, Caleb, Chester and Baby Phillips: we love you.
    It was a blessing to read your post. I still think about our little one who was with us for a month, though we only were aware for a couple weeks. Time goes by, and the pain lessens as we look forward to our time with our child in heaven. That is truly what brings us peace. I often think that he's (or she's) an angel watching over Laynee in the night, and her companion in the day. Love you all and so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete